February already?

Time is working against me. It refuses to just stop for a minute and take a breather. It really needs to chill. Or maybe I need to stop chilling. Yeah it's probably me. Okay it's ALWAYS me. So yes after a full yeah of stagnation (maybe 2ish, I really can't or rather refuse to recall) things are finally, FINALLY, starting to move forward, albeit at a snail's pace. I am still in reality jobless, though not on paper. Don't ask how I've managed that. But, I am making certain preparations that may make me more employable in the future. These preparations entail depleting my already meager cash collection so that I may take some state sponsored test that was clearly developed to make money for them. Okay , so generally I don't mind paying test fees, but to take the stupid MTEL, which is the exam that qualifies you to teach in the state of Massachusetts (because my MA is just not enough), you must submit to paying $200. Okay, so 200 bucks is not that huge of an amount, but I still feel like I'm getting jipped. Maybe because I've already spent thousands upon thousands just getting educated and have thus far not seen any return on my investment. And also probably because all of my cash-flow is in output mode with zero input. I suppose I would seem less resentful of test fees if I were slightly richer. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to even get certified since there's not one job opening in my state currently for a History teacher. But it seems to be the only thing I'm qualified to do. I've been spending hours on Monster, sifting through the thousands of other jobs that are out there that I just don't seem to be qualified at all for. Reading over the lists of requirements, my brain tries to come up with a way to make me qualify for things I'm clearly unqualified for. Sadly I've even applied to a few of these jobs, only to get responses that of course dash any of my meager hopes. Ahh well, at least I still live at home where I don't have to pay for anything. Yet.

Untitled

UPDATE: LIFE SUCKS


-over and out.

I'm Out of Time

Full circle once again. Time to break out and change shape. If only to see where that might go. Here's to scary changes.

Get Back To Where You Once Belonged

Ouch! The wind combined with the snow is soo bitterly cold. I've already had two shots of Smirnoff and still the chill is staying in my bones, plus now a horrible bitter taste in my mouth. No wonder sad depressed people like to drink, it tastes like their lives. At least I won't have so much to shovel tomorrow morning. Though by the looks of it, it doesn't even look I've been out shoveling at all. The best thing though I will admit about shoveling snow is it gives you plenty of time to think and clear your mind. I feel like I can organize my thoughts into nice little piles like I do with the snow. Clearing the walkways of my brain for important things to get through. And what important things have I made room to get through? Ahh well, I've realized I've been fighting an imaginary battle. The reason why I'm till realistically unemployed is because I already knew what I would end up doing, even though I've for some reason been fighting it tooth and nail. The only way to not face the inevitable is not to move at all. Something I've become an expert at. So yes, even though I wish wish wish I could be doing a PhD program, I'm going to have to delay. My whole being fights this, but tis inevitable. I shall have to instead take the more practical route in the hopes that one day I'll either have enough money to fund myself in this endeavor or in the hopes I shall be one of the lucky ones to manage to get awarded some funding. Finding a subject for a PhD might also become easier one day, which has been an ever-recurring problem. So yes, here's to the real world and embracing that nasty four letter word of: WORK. Hurrah hurrah.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

Well I haven't blogged in forever, simply because there's been nothing to report, discuss, or even comment about. Yes I know I write for a thesaurus. Well the house my mother loved sold before she put a bid in, so we're not moving, or at least not anytime soon. I'm still unemployed. Well technically I'm a substitute teacher, but none of the teachers have gotten sick thus far, so yeah I'm only a substitute on paper, not in actuality. I'm waiting for the IRS to contact me telling me I'm hired. They said December. Well they got a few weeks yet (two to be precise, and not a full two!) so here's hoping they call just so that I can say I'm working when people ask me. I've actually been avoiding people because I'm tired of them asking me. I'm tired of explaining it to everyone and I'm also tired of looking. Just plain ole tired with the job thing. Also soo totally unmotivated about it. I know I have to just pull myself by the bootstraps and get something on the burner, but yeah...like I said...unmotivated. Well I have a credit card bill en route to me, that should be somewhat motivating. Ha!

Buy Land...They're not making any more of it!

For the longest time now, me and my mother have been house hunting. When I say longest time, I mean it was back when I was in high school, maybe even earlier...I can't quite remember. Actually I can't remember when we haven't been looking for a house. Anyways, it's been a good ten years that I do remember. And sometimes we've been soo close to actually buying one. Sadly the owners backed out at the last minute. Or perhaps luckily since I don't know how my mother and her oldest sister would have managed to live together. It was one of those silly let's buy a house in a really nice neighborhood that we individually couldn't afford, but could manage to swing together schemes. Never good. Though I really wouldn't have minded to live in Marblehead. But yeah I could just imagine the two arguing since they're both on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Anyhow, the other day something caught my eye as I was tirelessly sifting through the houses for sale in MA. For some reason that night I though I might look in a town I never had before, and presto I finally found a gem. A gem that has been marked down from 639 to 475. The size is perfect. The property is charming. Really our dream house. So we decided to drive down one late morning and check it out. It was in a town that we had never been to before. But the town, according to Internet resources seemed quite quaint. Really the quintessential New England town that you can only find in this part of the country. We found it without too much trouble, which I took for a good sign. But after that pleasing sentiment, everything went southward. Our expectations of the house were met, but for a few, I thought minor, but to my mother very significant, issues. The first one: The street it was located on was not what we had expected. The house it set on this narrow side-street with a hodge podge of various different houses on it. There are big brand new constructions, and also small somewhat grungy shacks. The house we were interested in is the only one of its kind on the whole street. Somehow it's quite shocking to see it there in the midst of all this "diversity". It's a world unto itself, with brick walls surrounding it. It seems like something out of a dream that someone just plopped down there in the midst of all these different architectural structures. This didn't bother me at all. I kinda liked the sort of surreal atmosphere it created. But to my mother, uniformity is key. She wants all the houses to sort of fit together in like a community type setting. It's not that the houses on the street are not taken care of. Far from it. But I suppose it's more pleasing to the eye if there is some sort of cohesion. In most housing developments this uniformity is not usually an issue since it's usually one main contractor that is set to build a similar style of house for the entire development. This street sort of looks like people slowly came through the years which each time period reflecting the popular choice of the time. As I said a hodge podge. This house that I fell in love with was most likely one of the first on the street..dating back to 1890ish according to town records. It's just too bad that my mother doesn't like it since it's actually one of the only houses I could picture myself living in to the end of my days. Even with the huge middle school right behind it!Usually whenever we've looked at houses, I always had this feeling of dread of living and staying forever in the house we looked at. Not that I would necessarily stay in any house we buy forever, but just in case. This one in Ipswich was special. Oh well, tomorrow we go to look at another house which is a lot cheaper (285k) but nowhere as nice. Who knows, maybe one day I'll get to buy it or maybe I'll find something better!

I Will Sing, Sing a New Song

Today I was thinking back on my year in England, and though I have many fond memories of my time there, I realize it could have been much better. So now I want another chance on making the most of it. I suppose I could manage to sort of get a re-do. I shan't ever be capable of going back completely to that time where I would like to re-do. You never can. It's the same with life isn't it. Some days I want to start back at square one, and other days I wish it would all just extinguish, like a bad manuscript you can just delete. But since neither is possible, I suppose I shall have to just deal with all the gunk I have and somehow dig through it and find that proverbial silver lining. Man I love to talk in cliches! So yes New Years comes early and I begin re-evaluating what exactly it is I'm looking for and what it is I want to accomplish. I've been stuck for far too long on the why are we here question. It's without any real answer. So I'm mentally shelving that question and only revisiting it in academic or social settings, where hopefully someone will come up with an answer, even a wrong one, that makes sense to me. I've been for far too long living in the future as well. I'm hardly ever in the present. It's a bad habit. A very BAD habit which I equate with all the other deadly ones, like smoking. It prevents you from actually living. If you only knew what wonderful interesting lives I've already lived in my future...LOL. I suppose the wake up call or calls came when I was going through my shoes the other day. I have an awful lot of shoes. But I'm very careful to preserve them. Keeping em for all those important future events...lol, but yes the shoes literally disintegrated in my hands. The suede which had dried out crumbled to pieces, the decorative buckle just fell right off, and the heel cracked into a million bits. It was like touching an ancient artifact for but a second before it disappeared. Now these shoes I absolutely loved. And with anything I love, I save it. I possibly only ever wore them for 5 minutes when I first bought them before they were carefully stored in the tight confines of my closet. I would take em out from time to time and admire them, but I always kept them for that future important event I was sure would pop up, and I'm sure these events did pop up, but they were never important enough to qualify for the use of these shoes. So yes, this is my very long winded way of saying...you can't always live for tomorrow. Common sense we all know, yes. But sometimes we need a reminder. I've been sort of making all these plans that never come to fruition and been living my life on the hold button. Without realizing it, I've wasted a good many years, yes YEARS!! already. I suppose its been a sort of procrastination. Much good that has been doing me. So yes, though I'm not going to go crazy and be all hedonistic, I am going to try to live in the here and now and be content with that and start making good on all my promises. Who knows where that might lead. Probably to something better than any of my plans could ever have imagined.

Cursed!

My mother always wonders why I never want to do anything around her. I refuse to cook, clean, and even sometimes eat when she or really anybody else is around. I usually explain this away as my being a loner or just used to be doing things on my own. This has given me quite the unsocial able reputation in my family. But the real truth of why I never do much of anything around anybody is because well because I'm cursed. Cursed for things to go wrong. Catastrophe and chaos follow me like shadows. I can recall far too many times in my life when things have gone horribly wrong. I've also got the reputation of being accident prone. Those are the injuries that they know about. I can only imagine what they would think about the ones they don't know about. I probably wouldn't be here typing, but rather locked up in a very padded room! So tonight was thankfully a small crisis. Tonight I was washing down woodwork in preparation of painting it in the very near future. I was doing fine. Scrubbing away like a good girl. I even dragged a chair so that I could get those hard to reach high places. I was quite careful with my water bucket. I made sure to put it on the floor on a plastic mat so as not to get the carpet wet, since the kitchen has wall to wall. I did everything right. Making sure to wring out my sponge very carefully so as to not get any stray drops anywhere. I was just finishing up this section, enthusiastically ready to move on, when on my way down off the chair, my foot just slightly touched the edge of my bucket on the floor. Well that was all that was needed to set in motion 3 hours of needless extra work. Who knows, maybe more awaits me tomorrow. The entire bucket emptied itself out to my horror. Which was at least a gallon and a half of suds and tepid H2O. The plastic mat that I had put under the bucket that was supposed to keep the rug dry, just served as a catalyst to spread the water every which way. Oh and every which it did go. Even under furniture. Compressed wood furniture. That really was the worst part. Compressed wood, as many people know should never, EVER! get wet on the underside. Unlike real wood, which in the worst case with get water stains or have it's finish a bit mucked up, it still retains it's overall shape. Compressed wood shit, for shit it is, expands and loses it shape and begins to crumble. Much like cardboard left in the rain. Well just as my luck would have it, the base where the water seeped under has caused it to expand. It's quite horribly noticeable. Perhaps had I been able to quickly mop up the water under the base the damage would not have been so bad. But the thing is this piece of crappy furniture is far far too heavy for me to even budge. And I'm no weakling. So yes, this crisis led me to hunt for the manufacturer's information. Sadly this piece was bought over ten years ago and is of course discontinued. But of course! Luckily though, and really this has been my only stroke of luck in this situation thus far they have a base on a different piece of furniture that looks similar and has the same dimensions and color tone. So they're sending it to me. My only problem now is to make sure my mother doesn't notice the base of the damaged piece before I can replace, and God help me that I can replace it. Surrounding it with various bags and paraphernalia is the only thing I can come up with right now. If she asks about why all the stuff is there...I'm organizing! Let's just hope she doesn't notice the squishy rug now. I've used up at least two load fulls of towels and moved onto using my own clothes and now have to continue with the hair dryer. Why the fuck did it have to spill in a high traffic walking area is what I want to know. Well I suppose it could have been worse. I could have spilled a gallon of white paint! Then I'd really be up shits creek without a paddle :P

And if you leave here

I've finally managed to reach August. It felt like it was forever in coming. Usually I'm not keen to make time move faster, but July was a toughie. I don't know why I associate one month as being significantly different from another. Perhaps the change is simply symbolic in my mind. But now that I'm in August I feel like July and all the things that it brought can simply fade away and be pushed into the far recesses of where unpleasant things reside. But of course one must first deal with the events so as to make em easier to digest. Besides being one of the most oppressively hot months since ages, there came a languor both mental and physical. It permeated even the least susceptible and caused a horrible form of ennui in those that easily fall victim to it. Such it was for me. It funny how weather can seem directly correlated to events that occur. Perhaps that is why the things that happened did., especially with the strangely unusual large amount of thunder and lightening storms that occurred. Like a premonition of impending ill, one could almost tell something would happen. And not something good. I suppose if you wait long enough, it'll happen naturally anyways. Well the first something was the mini-heart attack that afflicted my grandmother. All alone and totally dumb-founded as to what I'm supposed to do, I did manage to remember the nitro-glycerin tablets one uses for such occurrences. It took 3 nitro's before things began t0 get back to normal. Whilst that crisis with dealt with, more were soon to follow a few weeks later. The death of an old family friend came next. Though one knows and expects people to die eventually, especially the elderly, somehow one is certainly thrown off guard when one sees such a person is in rather good health and keeps regular contact with them. To speak with a person one day and find they are dead but two days later is quite shocking. It somehow strikes and reminds one of their mortality in very clear terms. Here today, gone...maybe at the end of this blog post? who knows? Not meaning to be so morbid, I do still feel it's always important that one keeps an awareness of their mortality somewhere in the back of their minds so that perhaps it might ease their worries of things that perhaps don't need to be so much worried over. Well after attending the funeral, which fell on a Sunday, Tuesday brought another bout of more of the same bad news. This time death struck a family member far too prematurely. With barely time to get over one death, another strking so close to home had us all very sombre and gloomy. The kind of gloom that sinks in deep and makes one realize how very much at the mercy we all are in terms of our fate. It makes one feel that one's ambitions and goals are pretty irrelevant. After that it's easy to see how my grandmother suffered another, somewhat stronger heart attack. This time it took 5 nitro's to get her to back to normal, or as close to normal as possible. It's hard enough for someone my age to handle so much grimness, but for my grandmother at the age of 87 to outlive her closest and most beloved of nephews, it's quite devastating. Of late, she seems to be handling it somewhat better than I am. She now seems to see life as a clock, with time quickly running out and each day she is rushing to get all the things she feels she needs to accomplished. There's no leave it for tomorrow now. Even if it takes her into the early hours to finish something, she stays up regardless of how tired she may be. It's somewhat daunting to see her with her old broken elderly body trying to do the things that once came easily to her. The events of July have nudged me to stop and reconsider my own priorities. For in truth the clock is ticking, which in some ways is good since it pushes us all to get a move on with living life, but also bad in the way that there's absolutely no way of holding on.

Just Can't Scratch That Itch

It's been an irritating week. I've accomplished absolutely nothing. Caught some kind of throat infection which I've been trying to cure with herbs. And yeah I'm ready to roll over and just cease. Unfortunately I'm stuck here, whining about the humidity and pretending to do things in vain. Maybe I'll get my ass in gear and get my to do list done later on tonight. It's really the only time to do stuff. For now I'll just waste my time online.

Hot in the City

It's been one warm day after another in grand ole Lawrence, MA. I really wonder if I can take much more of this. I can't seem to bring myself to do anything but lounge around trying to not sweat so that I don't have to take yet another shower. I shoulda gone off to Poland this summer! My grandmother and I were discussing plans on going next summer. I am definitely going to go. But at her age (87) it'd be quite the miracle if she was actually physically able. In order for her to go though she'd have to renew her passport which she thinks is too much of a hassle. SO we'll see. I have a cousin that will be getting married so it'd be interesting to see a real Polish wedding. Though I don't look forward to dancing any polkas. It's been a good 8 years(according to the date on the pic anyhow) since I was last in the motherland and I'm itching to go once again. Maybe this time I can arrange to see Warsaw at last. If not, Lomza will do fine. It'll be nice to wake up to the fields every morning once again. I get tired at looking at the horrible trash strewn alley that is outside my window.

How you'd have a happy life if you did the things you like

It's actually not as bad receiving job rejection letters as it is receiving college rejection letters. I got my first rejection letter for a job today since they already had filled the position. I don't really mind since I didn't really want the job that much. It would have just been something to keep me occupied until something better came along. Or rather I saw it as a means of getting my foot in the door. My old high school was advertising a Religious Studies teaching position, which in truth I wasn't even that qualified for, being a History major and all. But I thought I could have still taught it and got some experience in. Now I am waiting to hear from two other schools. But I've also decided to broaden my sights a bit in the job field and try to get some non-teaching jobs. Like government jobs. Or college administration jobs. Really if I don't get anything by this fall I'm just going to go for the PhD which I have currently put on hold since my brain is currently uncooperative in coming up with a project. But yes, going back to job rejections...they don't seem to sting as much as say a college rejection letter since I suppose the truth of the matter is that they're not saying you're not smart enough to go here, rather it's more like they just found someone before they got to you. Though now I have my MA I'm not at all feeling like crap about those college rejection letters. I mean I was overstepping a bit thinking I could get into a PhD program straight from a BA without any clear idea of what I want to do research in. It took a PhD proposal class in Sheffield to educate me as to what a PhD research project really looks like. My applications were most vague and amateurish at best. I think that's why BU discounted my PhD application and simply accepted me into their MA program. Sadly without funding, so that was a no go. But now that I know what they're looking for in the application process I should be much better at making a decent application. Knowing all that a research project entails is probably on of the main reasons for my having not applied as yet. But well fate will determine where I go on from here...work...or more school..which of course will just make finding a job afterwards even more of a challenge I am sure.

Still More

Ever have one of those days where you just start a project without really thinking about it, and then at some point you realize that you've bit off more than perhaps was wise. Well I had one of those days today. It was Friday night, clearly I had to do something. LOL. Except rearranging heavy furniture, cleaning out closets, going through things in the basement all at the same time was not wise. Heavy furniture is the hardest part to deal with all by oneself. You sort of have to think ok hmm how am I gonna get this from here to there all by myself without actually lifting the damned thing. For me it was an armoire, bookshelves, and queen size mattress and box spring (Am I gonna be sore tomorrow!!). It takes a lot of maneuvering to get things from A to B. But somehow today I had the will to accomplish such tasks. In truth I've been thinking about doing it since September. See how freaking long it takes me to actually accomplish anything! Sad huh. But yeah today my focus was on the "big" things, like dealing with the furniture. It's the details though that usually eat up a lot of the time. If you saw how badly I dealt with clothes and things just stacking up in corners here and there it's be scary. My bureaus are stacked precariously with every sort of odd and end you can think of. Really! Everything that I didn't feel like dealing with at the time of my moving stuff was stashed there! And my closet is filled with sacks of mismatched things. But I'll sort through it. There's always next Friday. Eventually I'll get this house organized. Eventually.....

Can it be that long ago...

I'm surprised to see that I haven't written anything in here for months. Time sure does go by fast. Especially when you're not doing much of anything! Maybe that's why I haven't posted anything in so long. Well tonight, this actual very moment I am posting because I'm really stressed out and need something to take my mind off things. I don't even really know what I'm stressed about. Well I do and I don't. Far too many things to explore. This is supposed to de-stress me not bring the things I'm stressed about to the forefront. I'm already aware of them. So yeah, right now life is pretty quiet. I'm just leading the quintessential domestic life. Taking care of the house (quite badly I might add) and keeping an eye on my grandmother. She had quite the fall this evening. Coulda killed herself literally! She apparently got heat stroke and fell but in the process banged her head and face on a metal table. She's got quite the black eye on her. I had to kinda lift her to her feet. No easy task since she's not a small woman. But in the end she was okay thankfully. Escaped death once again! She had a fall not long ago in the garden and hit her head on a marble rock....the woman is seriously in need of a padded room!

I'm also starting my MTEL study so that I can get certified to teach. I'm taking the English Lit subject test, which looks like it's gonna be kinda hard. I have to know which books are appropriate for which grade level. Super. And a whole bunch of other crap(grammatical being the worst of it) I thought I'd forever be free of when I was a student. The tables have turned and now I must learn them to perfection. Stupid grammar rules. I should have lived during the 17th century. Then I could have been a governess and made it up as I went along. Do people hire governesses anymore? Or do we just call em tutors now?

But yes, I must remember to write in here more often. It's quite the place to discharge brain gunk that just backs up in my head. Lovely visual there no? LOL

And if your glass heart should crack...

Well spring cleaning time has come around in my house. Which is kinda funny seeing as how I never finished winterising the place. Ha! But yes, I've been rearranging furniture and "stuff" trying to somehow make the place organised. It's like playing tetris in my house. My mother describes it more as trying to live in a New York apartment where every single piece of space is utilised in peoples places. We're finally getting rid of our junk car. Which will make my grandmother happy to no end since she'll have more yard for her self. We kinda have to since the roofers are coming next week to put a new roof on our house. Actually it's only half a roof. My grandmother funnily enough only had half done a few years ago and now the other half needs to be done. So the roofers need to be able to drive into our yard so that means my mother who was planning on one day fixing up her junk car (a 1984 Pontiac Fiero which used to be red until I put Nu Finish on it and turned it into a splotchy mess) won't be able to. I'm gonna miss the death trap as I call it. Lots of good memories in it, bad ones too. I survived my first and thus far only car accident in it. It's been robbed lots of times. Especially when it was newer, cause it looked like a shiny sports car. It was a two seater, and back when I was younger, smaller, and a lot more flexible, I used to scrunch down on the floor so that three of us could ride in it. It was such a cool car, and I used to be able to discern the engine from all others, which came in helpful on those late nights my mother used to work and have to pick me up from the babysitters at like 2 am. It's funny how many memories one makes with one car. I can still remember my uncle bringing it for the first time to us. I wasn't even in school yet and showing me how to play with the seats. Ahh well now it's going to be towed by some Car 2 Charity organization since there's no one to toy with it, even though it's still in good running order. I had been hoping to learn to drive a standard thinking that would be the car I would learn on, but seems that's not the case....

Spring has finally come!!

Well at least the 21st marks the day on the calender that's it's supposed to be here. Mother nature sadly seems to be lagging behind, but soon enough the temps will rise along with the blades of grass on the lawn. Today is also my grandmother's birthday. The big 87! I think it's soo nice to have one's birthday on the first day of spring. Apparently many in my family think so too since I have two cousins who also have the 21st as their birthday.

The first day of spring also seems to be for me an appropriate time to start new endeavors. Who thought having the new year start in the worst part of the winter was a good thing is beyond me. Was it Julius Caesar? I know he had something to do with the calender. Perhaps January is lovely in Italy but it's crap here in Massachusetts. The winter is the most unlikely time for people to stick with any resolutions they've made. It's hard enough to battle the extreme weather, and they want us to commit to changes that are hard enough under the best of circumstances?!! Uh-uh..I don't think so. So yes for me spring is all about a newness, a refreshing change from the dreary months that having come before it. Though it is hardly warm and congenial yet, there's already signs in the garden that life is springing forth from the depths of the frozen gray ground. Which of course means spring cleaning starts!!

Oh how i love spring cleaning! Maybe I can finally get myself to clean my cave of a room and let some light and air in there. For seriously it reminds me of the batcave that Bruce Wayne hangs out in (minus the Bruce Wayne sadly). For a pink room, it is decidedly depressing and grim. It seemed to be nicer when it was my grandmother's room. I wonder how that happened. Well I'm off to bed so that I can start an early morning, since that annoying old adage "the early bird gets the worm" is a mantra I'm going to try to live by. I usually can't seem to become half-conscious before 10:30 am. Tis a sad existence that I lead.

Well It's All Right; You Still Got Something to Say

March madness is finally here. This is the month where things start speeding up. I lose my last wisdom tooth. Spring cleaning occurs. I start going to job testing and interviews. The garden and yard start beckoning. My grandmother's 87th Birthday happens, on the first day of spring no less. I wonder if the clocks change this month. But yes, I finally get to escape the rut that I've been in all winter long. Which is both a relief and a difficulty. I've kind of been a zombie since I finished my dissertation back in October. So I suppose now I'll start testing the waters to see if a PhD program is still an option. I'm also packing for a move to God knows where and when. But I know I'm moving. It's the details that I still have to wait for. But when it's time to go, I'll be ready. And really what's the problem of packing things I will not need to use for a long while anyhow. Most people tell me that I should just get rid of things that I don't use. But the thing is I will use them. But for now I'll try to use up some of my old stuff. I have all these books from the 50's that someone gave me that are not really worth the time for reading so I'm a bit at odds as to what to do with them. I don't like to throw books away. Maybe I'll either donate them to some bookstore/ library? But I have a feeling they'll just ditch em. So I'm reluctant to do so. Many of em don't even have ISBN numbers so selling them online is kinda difficult. So yes they'll be packed away for now. Anyhow, that's all I'm doing right now. Getting ready for SOMETHING!

Even the stars refuse to shine

I was going to write this long tirade but somehow the wind has left my sails and I don't feel like whining and complaining about all the things that aren't going the way I'd like them. Just seems hollow. Also incredibly immature. Something I know I am but don't have a clue how to fix. Or perhaps I do and just don't feel like it. But really life is okay. I'm not going to go too deep into it. People keep asking me so what are you doing now. Ha. I refuse to answer that question. I'm living as it were. That's all. And that's enough. For now.

I do yearn for spring though. I've never missed green grass as I have lately. I even miss weeding with all the blisters and dirt and bugs. I can't wait until I can mow the lawn. I'm hating the winter. This one seems interminably long. Like a long drawn out melodrama. The kind you want to just finish. Enough is enough. Bring the sunshine back! Bring the buds that grow oh so green! I'm reading an interesting novel at the moment. I kinda grabbed it offhandedly off a display shelf as I was walking by in the library. It's called "Let the Northern Lights Erase your Name" by Vendela Vida. It makes me want to go to Finland and the northern Laplands. But then I want to go everywhere. Novels about places just reaffirm that desire. It's one of my life goals to visit every country in the world. Ha Jules Verne was a kindred spirit. But sometimes I think I shan't go anywhere really at all. Oh yes I can say I've been places. Just got back from England and the like. But it's not quite the same thing. Not what I have in mind. I want to really see and experience places. In England I was a bit....shut off? Withdrawn? I dunno. I mean I had my moments...but overall I am rather disappointed with the experience. I wanted more. Maybe too much? I don't know quite what I want. perhaps having expectations is the problem. Preconceived notions I think they call it. Always bad to have notions.

Having those dreams again

Ok so it's the last day of January and I've squandered the whole friggin month away. But I'm goign to attest it to waiting for my dissertation and degree to arrive, which they finally have. So now no more excuses for living in the slump I've carved out for myself. Comfortable as that slump may be. So now I guess I have to get al pro-active about the future. You know doing cv's and Phd applications and finding a job and so on. I'm getting tired just thinking about all I have to do now. But it's time I've taken my life off the hold button and did something more productive, so that one day I can be unproductive. That's what'll drive me. Knowing that one day I can be a lazy ass again. I haven't been totally unproductive. I have finally, FINALLY learned to knit. It's something I forever wanted to learn, but somehow I could never catch on. Thank goodness my grandmother had enough patience to try me once again. I'm not some super duper knitter yet. Nothing complicated can I do. Just making a scarf. But good ole gran hopes I'll progress so she can teach more complicated knitting tricks, and more. Sometimes I wish it was like the Matrix where you could just plug into your brain and download and know kung-fu...or in my case the knitting, and the damn French language that I'm forever trying to learn.

Shut your eyes and picture somewhere quiet caked in snow

Well sadly I missed my graduation. I missed it in both senses of the word. Not being there, and wishing I was. My mother felt pretty bad about. So bad she was actually angry at me. But she still took me out for a lovely lunch, where I drowned my sorrows in strawberry chiffon cake. I'm getting mixed reviews from people who went. Some thought it intolerably long, whilst others couldn't get enough. I suppose my reaction would have been somewhere in the middle. But really they should have it in the spring or summer. The ceremony at least. January is a nasty month everywhere in the world. My mother is trying to talk me into pursuing the next degree, but I don't feel up to it right now. My brain fears another bombardment of things it does not quite understand. I fear I lack the ability to think analytically. Something college was supposed to help me develop, but sadly failed to do. I'm always skimming on the surface. i can't seem to break through the barrier to delve deeper into things. The who, what ,when, why, and how of things seems not to be working when I am writing. I've finally convinced the History department to mail me my dissertation, and I can guarantee that once I get the comments they shall say that my analysis was lacking. They'll tell me that I have told them things without quite explaining them, though they seem explained to me. For this reason I fear undertaking a doctorate degree since it might mean that I will not luck out as I did in getting my MA. I suppose though one would work with an advisor. Oh wait I was supposed to do that with my Master's dissertation. But somehow that never worked out. I feel I should take the blame wholly on that account though. My advisor did try to make himself available, but I was too hare-brained to think of a topic until the last second, which really my post-grad secretary helped configure in one of our many many conversations which I plagued him with. Sorry Will, but thank you! It did all work out in the end though. I almost lost my mind in the process. Seriously. Crying in the shower, banging my head against the dorm walls, trying to get drunk to no avail. It was the closest thing to a nervous breakdown I ever had. Do I want to go through that all over again. Right now I don't think I have it in me. There are moments though, where there's this glimmer of thinking I could do it. Where I just get absolutely dead jealous of the people doing them. I tell you Academia, she's a bitch of a mistress...but she can make one happy like nothing else. Is it all for naught? Probably. But that's the game we're all playing, day in and day out. As long as we're aware, which I suspect many think they are, but are not, the wheel will keep turning....

What you've got they can't deny it; Can't sell it; Can't buy it

Isn't it too bad that you can't buy these ready made life packages, like what the cable companies sell. Some have all these extra channels and features and stuff. You can upgrade when you want to and just get more channels or different ones. Basically you can get exactly what's suited to your needs or taste or what you can afford or what you're willing to ditch out the extra for. I suppose there are some with the package life. I think they call those people born with a silver spoon in their mouth. But even that can go horribly wrong. The fact of the matter is that in order to get what one wants...the package deal, you have to be willing to give certain things up or behave in a certain way to get it. I suppose they call that compromise. But should one really have to compromise. Shouldn't the under-dog win? Shouldn't one be able to have it all? Without going to extremes that is? Without the selling of oneself? Without stepping on toes? Without knowing the "right" people? Does a person stand alone anymore. Or is their worth calculated by all the baggage they drag around them? I suppose only in utopia is one's talent recognized for what it is. Where bias is for the better one. Ah utopia, yes I know a lot about Utopia......too much for my own good. It's where I dwell between reality and the unconscious. I always return to it....but that's a dangerous place to be.

Circle in the Sand

Almost 8 days into the New Year! Time is flying. And I'm frozen still. Story of my life. Well I did decide something finally today. Not to try for entrance into a PhD program in the near future. I think it would be unwise to do so at this point in my life. I'm not exactly sure I'll never do it. But in case I was lucky enough to gain entrance, get funding, decide upon a topic, and so forth...I fear what would lay ahead after I had completed it. I think I would be shutting more doors in terms of getting a job than if I remain with a Master's. The job market for History professors isn't exactly booming at the moment. Humanities overall seem to be over-congested, so my thoughts of pursuing a PhD in Literature are also being shelved. Instead I think I should focus on just doing what I can with my Master's and seeing where that takes me. Maybe I'll get certified and teach high school. At least then I can have some control of where I would end up working, unlike if I go the other route. So yes, that's what I've decided. And that's my final answer!

2007 alot like 2008?

Eerily 2008 has begun much the same way 2007 did. It even smells and looks a lot like 2007. Is this some sort of conspiracy or something? We better not be having repeats. I mean I know the Writer's Guild is still striking, but seriously 2008 better start making itself distinctive or I'm gonna think this has all been a dream. So 2008, if you're listening....make your mark...and please not with another snow storm! I'm still cleaning up the mess 2007 made.

One more before it's all anew!

OK well, tonight gets 2 postings since yesterday I didn't get a chance to post anything. It's going to be a hectic year I already feel it. But that's OK. Ugh, I've got writer's block so I think I'll just post a random picture I took while in England. That should be a post enough!

-A Picture of the swans at Windermere in the fabled Lake District aka Beatrix Potter Land!

Goodbye 2007

Well with the New Year just a few hours away, it's nice to know that certain things will die in the past, while I'll get a chance to make the new year all the m0re better. It's nice to have second chances. It reminds me of that line in Half Nelson where Ryan Gosling tells his students that with "the sun goes up and then it goes down. But everytime that happens, what do you get? You get a new day. You get a new one." Well now I'm getting a new year. A whole brand new one that hopefully I won't screw up too much. Too many unknowns. But maybe that's a good thing. For maybe the next year will be the worst ever and if it is better not to know and go in it thinking it might be good. At least then the dellusion is still viable.

Swinging with the Breeze

It was so dark and cloudy this morning that when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10 am I was absolutely shocked. It was the kind of lighting that occurs only in the early hours of the morn. Somehow I'm managing to waste each and every day. Facebook helps. But yes, I need to learn how to make the most of my time. Something I've failed to do since I finished school. I was incredibly time efficient in high school. These days I wonder how anyone can manage to even go to work and do anything else. I think I've been cleaning my room since September...or rather pretending I am. My mother keeps threatening to go see if I've cleaned it. So far every time she's tried I've managed to keep her from going to that part of the house. I have a mental stockpile of red herrings that I'm never afraid to use when the need arises. The smart thing for me to do though would be to just clean it, instead of falling into panic mode every time I think she's approaching my bedroom doorway, as I often do. Ah but I never claimed to be smart. But yes, I think I'm getting kinda tired of the stress I'm causing myself. Except there always seems to be something else I'd rather do when I do get the opportunity of cleaning it. Perhaps I need to find something worse to do then it'll get clean. Maybe I'll do resumes and grad school applications. HA!

Taster's Choice

I find myself these days constantly looking over home improvement and interior decorating magazines, wondering to myself if any of the rooms I see are really livable. I mean clearly they clean up for a photo shoot, but everything looks so contrived. Too contrived. My grandmother and my aunt who visit rather frequently though point out that my house is all in disarray. True the piles of paperwork lying in boxes in corners and in folders under my bed could use a better organizing method, but I think my house is a lived in house. When I was living in my little dorm room in England I came to realize how little one needs to be happy. But I also realized bare walls make me a bit insane. I ended up taping pics all around the room, even the one's that didn't come out (which I mentally smugly referred to as modern art) and somehow I felt better. I have an aunt who bought a house a few years back and was doing lots of "updates"; adding windows and painting and the rest of the whole nine yards. But I somehow found the After far worse than the Before. It totally became sterile. Which leads me to the question who or what defines good taste? Is there a general consensus that says OK this is GOOD and this is BAD. And if you happen to like the BAD the proverbial "they" label you as being subversive. "They" also like to say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but of course this is not true. Otherwise there would not be things such as GOOD or BAD taste. It would be to each their own. This question of taste can be applied to most anything...music, art, clothing, food, the list goes on. How one puts a price or value on certain things is another area of consideration. We constantly hear of things, art being the best example, of being auctioned off for thousands upon thousands of dollars. Many of those who buy it, seem to view it as a testament of their good taste and or refinement. Some buy it as an investment. As something that will not depreciate in value over the years (unlike the American dollar). I mean do people like things just because there is a general consensus that says OK this is something worthy of being recognized. How many people truly like it? My mother claims she'd never hang a Picasso in the house. She claims his art is whacked. She thinks he's crazy. Would people thus view her opinion as being ignorant for her failure to see what many claim as genius? Again I suppose it doesn't matter. As long as each person pursues what makes them happy all can coexist. But does anyone really want to be known as having BAD taste, or being thought subversive when they truly are not?

Sitting on Idle...will probably run out of gas soon!

Well I manage to somehow time it to update this thing once a month. But in accordance with my ongoing plan to stick with something consistently I think for the rest of this year I shall consistently update this. At least then 2007 won't be a total failure (not that getting my MA degree is considered as a failing, but it doesn't cheer me as I thought it might) so yes...I shall update this thing regularly and try to make good on all my promises that I always make but never fall through on, for the rest of THIS year.

Cha-Ching

Well lately I've been searching for a health insurance plan. Not because I need one. I'm as healthy as a...dog, bull, whatever...but because my stupid state made a law requiring it. I think I've actually passed the Nov. 15th deadline, or is it Dec. 31st
...it's so retarded. I don't need or want it. But I'll probably have to get it. And that's just what I need as an unemployed 23 year old. Ditching more of my dwindling funds...which could have been used on going to graduation...that is if I get my degree. Still nothing official yet. They just billed me the other day £60 for a re-submit fee. Thus they are holding my results and all other information hostage until I pay up. I also don't know what I should be doing right now. Applying into Ph.D programs? Studying for the new GRE? Should I just use my old scores which are good for 5ish years? Should I shelve the PhD for some time and just concentrate on getting a job somewhere? Should I get certified for teaching in Mass as a public high school teacher? Endless questions? No answers. Perhaps I should do all of the above instead of wasting my time watching Rome on dvd every night?!

Sledgehammer

I've been absolutely intolerably bad and rude these past few days to my family. Dunno why. They seem to just be irritating me to death. Usually I can handle it far better than I have, but perhaps it's just the seasonal cold that making me more argumentative than usual. Perhaps once the heat is put on I'll be less cranky. Perhaps I have some unresolved issues that I don't know about. Could be anything and everything. But these days I'm wishing my peeps would just disappear....

Can't See the Light

I'm not sure what to write today. My life seems to be in a cyclical pattern with one minute being ok and the next being horribly hellish. I seem to always be at odds with my mother these days. It's like it always was. For some reason I thought those days were behind us. I just don't know whether it's time for me to head out on my own. Right now that option seems impossible with my having practically no money and no job. I'll also feel guilty if I leave because in essence she doesn't want me to leave, but rather there's no peace unless everything is done her way. So what's one to do? Well I think I'll just shelve that issue for now, and try to do things her way until I reach my breaking point.....

In other news, my Gothic essay passed, so I'm in the clear for that. Though they did shred it to pieces, but then English professors always do that! Now just waiting for the dissertation results which will be coming at the end of this month. That's all for now!

So it would seem...

I've been cleaning house for the last couple of weeks (yes it takes that long even though the place is only 900sqft) and in my pursuit to bring some order to the chaos that has become my home I have made some observations. Closets do not get bigger regardless of how you organize your stuff within them. A bad closet is a bad closet regardless...also washing machines that make ur darks look like they've been through the lint box of the dryer are incredibly difficult to deal with later on. So as you might guess, I'm wishing for better closets. You know the kind where you don't have to change your clothes rack season from season. Also a washing machine with a lint filter is quickly becoming my one and only dream for this lifetime....Anyways, I've realized having alot of stuff causes alot of annoyance. Especially fucking knicknacks. I have a new plan to start giving them away as gifts. Let the poor suckes who get them spend hours dusting them and placing them 'just so'. I'm quickly adopting the minimalist philosophy of less is more. I'm still pissed off at the knicknacks that are just chipped a little making me stuck with them forever! Hmm maybe if I ever get a gun they'd make good for target practice, lol. I went to Christmas Tree Shop the other day with a friend for a shower curtain, and I was remarking to said friend about a display of ceramic painted balls (the kind that look like ornaments) that all this stuff is junk, what the hell does one do with a painted ball, and some nosey evesdropping middle aged lady goes to me that it's for decoration, and then proceeded to fill her carrage with said painted balls...clutter is what it is. If I sound bitter in this post it's because I don't enjoy spending my time dusting and arranging this kind of shit when I could be you know doing something better. So if anyone I know is reading this, I plead with you for any gifts that you get me, do not get me knick-fucking-nacks, or any clothing whatsoever (Don't get me started on the ugly shit I get and my problems with closets). Rather get me something I can use...you know like coffee, tea, even dental floss is far more happily received instead of some of the shit I get and can't even friggin return for credit or regift....